This week, we begin to explore self harming behaviours in our children and adolescents. Called Non Suicidal Self Injury (NSSI), about 1 in 5 adolescents report having harmed themselves to soothe emotional pain at least once. Those numbers mean, at least one, if not two children or adolescents at every sleepover, party or dance are hurting themselves.
Twenty-four hours after we announced we would be looking at self harming on Facebook, nearly ten thousand had engaged in the conversation. If you want to tell your story, email me, [email protected] and we will create an interview feature and write your words as an article.
With love,
Kim
Founder, The Child Therapy List
Why do children self-harm?
Self-harm, also known as self-injury, is the act of deliberately hurting oneself because of emotional distress. What this means is, your child might be experiencing anguish, humiliation, anger, and they’re trying to cope in a physical way. Though their choice of coping technique, on its own might be considered unhealthy, it’s truly an attempt to help themselves.
The question a parent or caregiver can ask is, ‘what is driving my child to need an extreme coping behavior?’ According to The Children’s Society, one in six young people have self-harmed in the last year. A mental health professional can be a safe respite for your child to share and be heard, without judgement. It can be extremely difficult to listen objectively to our children, yet a profound skill to work towards.
It’s important to note that self-harm is not the same as a suicide attempt. The difference is intent. Suicide is an attempt to end the pain while, according to the Discovery Mood and Anxiety Program, individuals who engage in self harm do so as a way to cope with their feelings and stressors. It is a reminder that they are alive when they feel emotionally disconnected or numb to the world.
Every person will have a unique set of reasons and motivations for injuring themselves, but most people who self-harm explain their reasoning in one of five ways.
From emotional pain – may think physical pain is easier to process than emotional pain, so they distract themselves from the emotional pain by inflicting the physical.
To release tension – a person with stress or anxiety may self-injure to reduce these feelings.
To feel something – If your child is feeling numb or apathetic, through self-harming, they may create the feelings they lack.
To express themselves – When a person cannot verbalize or doesn’t feel safe to verbalize their struggles, they may display them on their physical bodies.
To self-punish – for judgements, criticism, abuse, neglect they have internalized.
To empathize with your child, we encourage you to read about the personal experiences of former self-harmers who turned into advocates for others who are struggling. Here is one woman’s story.
Are there red flags for self-injury?
Yes. If you suspect your child might be self-harming, look for these signs:
– They talk about hurting themselves
– They have suspicious looking or longstanding/inexplicable injuries
– They isolate themselves often
– They avoid social interaction
– They hide their body or skin with clothing (especially if it’s inappropriate for the season)
– They collect sharp items that could be used to self-harm, like glass, safety pins, needles
– They refuse to change clothes in front of anyone, including at school or in the locker room
Once a person harms themselves, they might experience shame and guilt which perpetuates hurting themselves again. Self-harming can become a spiral loop.
How Can I Help my Self-Harming Child?
We want to be a safe place for our children, and sometimes that is a work in progress; to sideline our own agendas, fears and judgements. Putting your child first means finding them a mental health professional with whom they can feel comfortable and build trust. The therapeutic process will prepare your child for healthier coping mechanisms.
What’s most important is helping them feel seen, heard, and understood, without judgement or criticism. Be there for them. Support and love them. And be aware of your own need for support and empathy. Modeling self-care is a powerful way you can help.
