Coming to the close of 2020, the topic of gender and sexual identification in children and youth needs more information, discussion, acceptance and love.
While toddlers and children are aware of gender, adolescence is really the time of self-awareness. Many transitions take place during adolescence, including emotional, physical, and cognitive human development pieces.
What is Sexuality?
BetterHealth helps define sexuality by stating “sexuality is about sexual feelings, thoughts, attractions and behaviors toward other people.”
If well-supported, a person’s sexual discovery can be a liberating and positive experience.
It is critical parents and caregivers be aware that discrimination, bullying and violence is widespread and trauma also influences a child’s esteem, identity and development, including sexuality.
What is Gender Identity?
A person’s sex is assigned at birth, based on genitalia. Sex and gender are not the same thing. A person’s gender identity is their innermost understanding of themselves as male, female, both, or neither. Gender identity includes how a person perceives themselves on the inside, not their physical body. The way a person expresses their gender externally is known as gender expression.
People who experience an incongruence between the gender they self-identify as and their biological gender at birth, can experience extreme suffering; a condition known as gender dysphoria.
Website Grown and Flown offers helpful information and definitions for parents.
When a person’s sex and gender match, the term cisgender is used. When gender (male/female) does not match anatomy, the term transgender applies. Being transgender is an adjective, not a noun.
Nonbinary is an umbrella term for people whose gender identity is neither solely male nor solely female.
Some nonbinary individuals will pick “he/him” or “she/her” pronouns for convenience, depending on which end of the gender spectrum they identify with most closely. Others will ask us to use gender-neutral pronouns like “they/them” or “ze/hir” (pronounced zee and here).
How Can I Support My Child?
Amber Leventry is a queer, non-binary writer and advocate,”Knowledge will help you advocate for your kids, your kid’s friends, and all individuals who take shelter under the LGBTQ umbrella.
You can do your part to spread love and acceptance by acknowledging that love comes in all genders, sexualities, and expressions.”
WelcomingSchools.org is a great resource for parents to look through for ideas on how to partner with schools to help your child feel safe and affirmed. We encourage you to seek outside help through a licensed therapist who specializes in childhood sexuality and gender identity, who can help them process their feelings and thoughts, reveal possible trauma and build resilience and offer support to address bullying, violence, shaming and negativity.
Further, a therapist can also provide you, the parent, with help to navigate your own experiences and beliefs. This could very well mean you seek your own therapist who specializes or understands working with parents of LGBTQ youth, or by finding support within an organization like PFLAG, which focuses on the importance of familial support for LGBTQ children.
Our role, as parents and caregivers, is to love and accept our children unconditionally.
A Practitioner Perspective, with Iris Wagner MPCC, RPC, BSW
The Child Therapy List asked practitioner Iris Wagner for her perspective on child and adolescent development. Here is that conversation, in response to the article, ‘Understanding Child and Adolescent Sexuality and Gender Identity Development’.
Question from The Child Therapy List, “Some resources state that children become conscious of the physical differences between boys and girls as early as the age of two. Do you believe toddlers and children are conscious of their sexuality?”
Iris Wagner, “I disagree with this statement that a child is conscious of physical differences, I would rather say that a two year old can be aware of physical differences, however, does not have the cognitive capacity to compare and comprehend. According to Jean Piaget (Swiss Psychologist), the toddler years are characterized by one-dimensional thinking, which is “egocentrism” – “it’s all about me.””
Question from The Child Therapy List, “How does sexuality develop in children? BetterHealth helps define sexuality by stating “sexuality is about your sexual feelings, thoughts, attractions and behaviors toward other people. What is your perspective?”
Iris Wagner, “Well, that is not the whole definition of sexuality, as the child undergoes constantly all forms of developments, including sexual development as they grow. Additionally, their sexual knowledge and beliefs increase, which may shape their behaviours. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network outlined that the child’s sexual knowledge and behaviour is strongly influenced by:
• The child’s age
• What the child observes (including the sexual behaviours of family and friends)
• What the child is taught (including cultural and religious beliefs concerning sexuality and physical boundaries)”
Question from The Child Therapy List, “If well supported, a person’s sexual discovery can be a liberating and positive experience. However, it can also be traumatic, as people are discriminated against and/or bullied due to their sexuality.”
Iris Wagner, “That is just one part of a big picture. Unfortunately, trauma is wide spread amongst children. UNICEF stated horrifying stats that one billion minors between 2-17 years of age who had endured physical, emotional or sexual violence in 2017 worldwide (that is about one in three girls and one in six boys). Any form of trauma and especially child abuse has a large impact on the child’s development and can have a wide range of affects in adulthood, such as trust issues, low self-esteem, impulsivity, anger, dissociation, self-harm, mental illness and substance issues.”
Question from The Child Therapy List, “What do you tell parents they can do, to support their child?”
Iris Wagner, “Most important for you as parent is to be present with your child, available to talk and listen and be curious as to what is going on in the life of your child and the many changes he or she is going through in the areas of physical, emotional, social, cognitive and identity development. Signal your child that you won’t judge no matter what is going on and try to be a good listener.”
Question from The Child Therapy List, “Are children always clear about their sexual orientation and gender identity?”
Iris Wagner, “I completely disagree with this statement that children are always very clear on their own gender identity. Adolescence is a developmental stage in life where everything is changing, in the physical, emotional and mental capacities and the teenage brain is undergoing growth till about the age of 25. With this in mind what a child says today does not need to be forever, as the cognitive abilities are constantly developing. However, we always want to take a child seriously in what he or she is expressing and experiencing.
Recently, I met a 13-year-old girl in my office who told me that she was lesbian. We engaged in an open and warm conversation about her thoughts and feelings. What the conversation revealed was that her dad had sexually abused her when she was about 7 years old. In her world, men are unsafe. The real issue around her sexual identity was actually the trauma she had experienced and that had left her with deep scars. Another teenage girl that had been coming for counseling and who I knew for about 6 months, disclosed one day, quite suddenly that she now was lesbian and shared about her girl-friend that she felt attracted to. I continued working with her very sensitively when I learned that she was cutting herself. Throughout these conversations she shared about the physical, emotional and sexual abuse that she had endured throughout her childhood. Again, I noticed the pain of the trauma that was so hard to bear and was the root cause that needed treatment and a healing process.
We never know what is behind a statement of a child until we go with him or her on the journey to discover it. As mentioned above, sexual abuse and traumatic experiences have a negative impact on the overall development but can specifically damage the child’s developing brain. Therefore, I am encouraging parents to take on a curious and understanding approach towards your child in exploring what is going on in their world without pointing them in one or the other direction.”
Question from The Child Therapy List, “Do you have suggestions to parents who want to explore therapy for their child and their family?”
Iris Wagner, “I would encourage you to find out what approach the therapist takes and if this is in congruence with you and your child’s values and beliefs.”
~ With thanks for a practitioner perspective from Iris Wagner, MPCC, RPC, BSW, Founder of Crowning Life Consulting Inc., devoted to empowering individuals, strengthening families and rebuilding caring relationships through counselling, mediation and coaching. thechildtherapylist.com/listing/iris-wagner-ritzmann-rpc-mpcc
What we know for sure is that family acceptance, love and support is the number one key to mental wellness of children, teens and young adults. A study by The Family Acceptance Project in California (https://familyproject.sfsu.edu/) reports that “Youth who experienced highly rejecting behaviors from their family were eight times more likely to attempt suicide than those who experienced love and acceptance from their parents and caregivers. Even a small bit of change can make a tremendous difference in the mental health of our youth. For youth who experienced moderate rejection (some negativity, but also some positive support), the research group found those LGBTQ youth were only twice as likely to attempt suicide.”
If you have a personal story to share about you and your child, teen or adolescent’s sexual or gender identification journey, we would be honored to interview you. Please get in touch.
https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/entry/pandemic-gender-identity_ca_5eceecdfc5b69ecf86dc8015
