Carlene MacMillan, M.D.
An article written by Carlene MacMillan, MD, CEO and Founder Brooklyn Minds Psychiatry, P.C.
For families who are confined in close proximity during the COVID-19 pandemic, we expect emotions will sometimes run hot. We can learn a lot from some of the techniques I teach families regularly in family therapy. I practice family therapy for families who have high conflict that is informed by the principles of Mentalization Based Treatment (MBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) but they can be much more generally applied to all families.
Here are five tips to keep in mind during the pandemic:
1- Hit the Pause Button:
When having an argument and voices are rising, the louder they get, the less chances either side is listening or going to make headway. You can literally put out your hand like a stop sign and say “Let’s put this on pause” and indicate the conversation is
tabled for now but can be resumed once everyone cools down. It is important not to just walk away in a huff. You should broadcast your intention to revisit the discussion at a later date and clearly mark that both parties are getting too intense for it to be productive.
2- Use “And” instead of “But”:
In DBT we talk a lot about dialectical thinking where two perspectives are true at the same time. In the midst of an argument, a parent may be tempted to say “I know you want to have a Zoom call with your friend but I need you to clean your messy room!” Immediately, the young person is likely to feel his opinion has been dismissed and that his mom only cares about the messy room. The word “but” minimizes the young person’s desire to spend time with his friend. If the language is shifted to “I know you want to have a Zoom call with your friend and I need you to clean your messy room!” the tone shifts to one of solving a shared dilemma rather than a battle of two conflicting perspectives. There is often a way for both perspectives to co-exist.
3- Replace “!!!” with “?”:
When frustrated, we tend to end sentences as exasperated proclamations that leave little room for discussion and make the person listening feel defensive. By taking a more curious, non-judgmental approach to a frustrating behavior there can be more of a dialogue rather than a one-sided critique. “I cannot believe you left the house to skateboard with your friends!!!
What where you thinking?!?!!” can be rephrased more as a genuinely curious question. “I am feeling frustrated and confused you left the house to go skateboarding. Can you help me understand what your thought process was in doing that?” still conveys that you have strong feelings about the behavior and at the same time allows for the young person to share their perspective.
4- Validation before Reassurance:
In family therapy families often spend a lot of time practicing being genuinely validating of one another as this skill is harder than meets the eye. When faced with a disappointed, angry child who is upset their birthday party has been canceled due to the pandemic, parents may quickly launch into reassurance and problem-solving modes. They may feel pulled to say “Don’t worry, we will still have your friends on Zoom and a cake! It will be fun!” It may very well be fun and I am sure there are all sorts of ways to have a Pinterest-worthy virtual birthday party in a pandemic. But before saying things like that, sitting down with your child, looking them in the eye and saying “If I were you, I would feel disappointed too. It is disappointing and hard and I wish we were not in this situation” can go a long way in making them feel seen and understood. You don’t have to have a perfect solution- you just need to try to understand and meet them where they are emotionally.
5- Get an Outside Perspective:
Finally, when we are in the middle of a fight, it is like being the pebble someone has tossed in the middle of a lake. We are in the center of it, too close to it to see the impact the pebble toss has made as ripples surround it. In MBT, we work hard in heated situations to obtain the perspective of someone who is further away from the situation. They can be recruited to ask clarifying questions, to imagine what both parties might be thinking and feeling and to ultimately provide suggestions on a path forward. In more extreme situations, seeking professional help by a family therapist may be in order. But in many cases, it may be as simple as asking a friend of the family or even a family member who is genuinely in a more neutral position to weigh in. This does not mean calling up your cousin and saying “Can you believe what my daughter did!” to seek their approval but rather saying “We are having a disagreement and could really use an outside perspective from someone without skin in the game. Can you help?”
I hope the above tips will help your family navigate through an unprecedented and unusual time for all families in our society. It is not meant to suggest that if you follow five simple steps your family will be on their way to a picture perfect arrangement. It is, however, meant to give you some tools that can make the inevitable tense moments resolve a little bit faster and hopefully happen a little less.
